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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Cry Me A (Red) River

Well, AF came today in full force... like FULL force... like the kind when you know She's there simply because you're sitting in a puddle. Usually I have some warning, but it seems like it was an extra slap in the face.

I guess I'm eager to put this month behind me and focus on next month, considering my frame of mind for the first part of my 2WW. It's still really tough and I think this let-down is actually harder than my first. (*of course* you won't be that person who gets pregnant on the first try... but it'll work the second time).

While I was quite negative at the beginning of the 2WW, your comments on my post really did help me focus on the positive, the "what ifs" and the possibility that this could be it. These 2WWs are quite excruciating. Now I know.

What I'm not fond of is how short the luteal phase is after a trigger shot (although it does make the 2WW more like a 1.5WW, which I guess is okay. Plus, less money spent on HPTs). It feels like I'm fucking with my cycle way too much though and the process is less intuitive, but I guess there is not much room for intuition and creativity when it comes to timing a conception.

I would love to hear from people who have used a hCG shot for IUIs specifically, who can ovulate on their own... do you think it's worth it?

One nurse told us not to add Clomid because I'm young and reproductively healthy, and that if anything, we should do back-to-back IUIs on our fourth month, if we haven't conceived already. Another nurse told us to add Clomid before our third try. A resident told us to do nothing - just to keep at it. I don't even have an RE anymore really, and won't be able to get in to see our new one (whoever that is) before our next try, because I'm away next week. When did others add "help"?

I'm bummed, and for a few specific reasons:
  • We only have one sample left from this donor, who is now unavailable (sold out), and I really want to get pregnant with this donor.
  • I'm potentially going to be in Texas when I next ovulate, or have to go in for an IUI the day I get back, which will be impossible as I am organizing a massive conference for that day at work. I haven't found a good way to balance work and family yet.
  • I don't want to be 9 months pregnant in the heat of August. (Now that's just selfish and not really worth complaining about).
Ah well. What can you do, right?

Friday, October 7, 2011

Disassociation Rocks

I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of your comments from my last post. Thank you, thank you. Reading them honestly made me change my mindset, and now I'm feeling a lot more confident. 

I have absolutely no early pregnancy symptoms. I don't feel different in any way. And I'm not worrying about it. In fact, I keep forgetting that I'm in the 2WW, which is awesome, actually. I've been busy with work, busy at home, and the fact that I'm either pregnant or not is at the very back of my head. I forgot the other day and almost opened a beer to drink - I'm taking that as good news (thankfully I remembered before I took a sip).

So, I have no idea what will happen. I'm actually thankful that I have no symptoms, because I can't read into them. I'm still not thrilled at how this month has gone... but what can I do, right? 

Another 6 days until we'll test. Now, just trying to figure out how to navigate the wine glass that will be handed to me on Thanksgiving on Sunday.

Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends.


Monday, October 3, 2011

Can't Shake This Feeling

I don't know how to get over what I'm feeling and I need to, else this is going to break me down.

Nothing felt right about this month's insem. Though I really want to feel positive, I haven't been able to get in that mindset yet. Last month, I was living the "pregnant until proven otherwise" theory, which worked for me. After Saturday's IUI, I can't help but shake this yucky feeling. The timing felt wrong. None of my other fertility signs pointed to "yes". CM has been sticky for a week, BBT shows no dips or peaks, OPKs were negative before I took the trigger shot. I overheard the senior doctor in the clinic tell my doc (as they were looking over my chart) that the trigger "won't make a difference anyway". The IUI hurt and I was too focused on the pain to even think about what was happening.
But I can't be like this for another two weeks. It's going to kill me. Devon told me to talk to her about how I'm feeling, just to get it out of my body, but I don't want to be a Debby Downer, especially when she's working so hard to stay positive.

I know I have to really believe there is a chance I'm pregnant, but I'm having a tough time. How do I kick this feeling so that I can stay sane for this 2WW? Any experiences to share?










Saturday, October 1, 2011

IUI #2

Trigger shot yesterday, going in for IUI #2 in one hour! Very excited and feeling good (and sticky). Not looking forward to another 2WW, but hopefully it will pay off!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

And Without Drugs To Boot!

So, I went in for another ultrasound this morning and I will not be ready for the IUI for another few days.

I was looking at and speaking to the doctor when the nurse starting saying "Ooooh, Lex!!!" and pointed at the ultrasound screen.

Looks like TWO eggs are maturing quite nicely... and the nurse started talking about how it will be such a blessing if we had twins. Doctor kept saying, "This is a natural cycle, right? Wow..."

I think I mumbled "Dear God" under my breath, but then I started beaming.

Twins or not, I suppose this will up our chances this month for at least one baby!

Anyone else have two mature follicles going into an IUI? With or without Clomid. Anyone got a stat for me? ;)

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Second Verse, Same as the First

Tomorrow is CD15 and I'm not ready to ovulate at all. Last month, we inseminated on CD13. Yesterday, I had an ultrasound and follicle size was still quite small (15). I have another ultrasound tomorrow morning, but it looks as though insem day will be Friday or Saturday.

I'm *really* hoping for Friday, because here's why: My brother and his wife are going out of town for a wedding and leaving their four children (ages 7, 6, 4, and 17 months) with Devon and me for about 36 hours from Saturday to Sunday. If our insem is on Saturday, we may not have anywhere to "put" the kids for an hour or so, and if we can't find anyone to help, there is a possibility of having to bring them to the clinic and leave the older three in the waiting room and take the baby in the room with us. I can just imagine the looks we'd get... "what the HELL are those two ladies trying to create a FIFTH child??!"

Anyway, for some reason this later ovulation is making me a bit nervous. I don't know what it means, and if my luteal phase really is the same month-to-month, then I will try not to worry about it. I just want there to be enough time for this baby to stick and I really want this to be a healthy cycle.

I'm excited for IUI #2. I just want it to be now. I want this month to work really badly, for several reasons (besides the obvious). We have two tries left with our donor and he is currently sold out of units and I really really want to get pregnant by this donor - he's just a fantastic match for our family. Secondly, my RE has basically left for his new clinic, and though we got the go-ahead to switch to another doctor, I kind of don't want to have to go through that.

So, I stay positive and try to be patient. Because that's really all I can do, right?

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Mat Leave Drama

Some people have said that the wait to ovulate feels so much longer than the 2WW, but I have to disagree. We're already just a few days away from trying again. That makes me happy.

It's been an interesting week though... 

A bit of history: I was hired to cover a maternity leave and was asked to stay on when my colleague (let's call her Tee) returned. Tee's been back for less than two months, and she called me into her office on Thursday to tell me that she's four months pregnant. She's leaving for another year in March. I was actually thrilled for her and think it's awesome - she really wanted two within two years of each other, so I'm glad it worked out for her. 

Here's the thing. Our director (let's call her Kay) is a frikkin' insecure stress case and she's tanking even with both my colleague and I working for her (team of two became team of three). When Tee told Kay she was pregnant, it was a very professional response, but it was obvious Kay was shattered by the news. In the past, Kay has been vocal with me about how tough it was training me to do the scope of work that Tee had a lot more experience with. My inexperience has been blamed for numerous things, including the fact that Kay couldn't get the damn annual report out last year, because she was too busy "training" me (I got no said "training," so that's bullshit, but that's how she rolls). 

You many remember that one of the reasons Kay wanted to keep me on was precisely in case Tee took another mat leave (and apparently I was quite angry when I wrote this post about it). In her mind, I don't think mat leave is even a possibility for me.

I've always been terrified of telling Kay I'm pregnant. Out of all the obstacles of this whole conception journey, that has haunted me daily. I know family comes first, but I'm a Pisces and I take on the weight of the world and apparently I feel as though I can't possibly shatter Kay any more than she is by Tee's news. I know it sounds silly. It's life - lots of people go on mat leave - but I honestly don't know how I'm going to tell her when the time comes. She's going to shit herself.

After Tee told me, I had to tell her that I was trying. Of anyone, she'll know the stress of telling Kay. She was thrilled for me and very respectful with her questions. I told her my fears about Kay's mental health around this, and she understood. I just kept saying, "I hope I'm pregnant soon so that I can tell Kay before she hires for your position... and perhaps she'll hire someone with a higher skill set to deal with the potential double void."

Why do I care so much? It's work. Yes, we're in the healthcare industry (kind of) but it's not like we're saving lives. Kay is an insecure crazy lady who is under-qualified for her position anyway, but I feel as though this will bury Kay alive and my conscience is not doing so well with this one.

Totally a bridge to cross over when we get to it, but when Tee told me her news, I was thrilled and then my heart just dropped, realizing that this is not going to be easy. I really, really hope that I get pregnant this week, so that I'll only be at work for an extra 4 months after Tee leaves, and then if Kay goes under, we'll both be far out of reach.

Tee told me that, when the time comes, I need to present my pregnancy to Kay as really good news. Which I agree with, and have to get over the fact that it's not my responsibility that the timing kind of sucks for our team. It WILL be good news. And who knows, by the time I'm pregnant, maybe I'll have gotten over this.

[Quick non-related question: For those of you who have taken Ovidrel (trigger shot), has it affected your actual menstruation? I have been a 5-day bleeder my whole life, but this month my period lasted for three days. Two of which were very light. I'm not sure whether this is something to worry about, but I thought I'd ask in case it's a red flag for anything.]

Friday, September 16, 2011

No One Hit Wonder Here

We decided to POAS on Wednesday evening if AF hadn't come by then. It was 12dpo and though it was early, we knew to take the results with a grain of salt. We also knew that because of the trigger shot, we had a high chance of having a false positive. We were ready for that.

I don't know if I was ready for a big stark white empty space, but that's what stared back at us. I'd been pretty psyched because the nurse said I'd probably get my period Sunday-Tuesday because of the shot and I hadn't yet. Dev asked if she could look at the test first, which I actually appreciated.

We were both a little sad at the result, but knew there was no finality to it. When Devon suggested we test the next day, I said I'd rather wait until Friday, when we're supposed to test.

No less than one hour later, I went pee and AF had arrived. And I don't know if it's just the emotions or what, but it seems to be an extra painful, heavy period. Adding insult to injury.

At least we know, right? But it was tough. I wanted to those of you who commented and those who noted that the first 2WW is the hardest - it was really good to hear. Part of me was thankful that we actually got a chance to do an HPT because I feel like that's an integral part of this experience. I don't think I'm as crushed as I thought I would be, and I think that's partly attributed to reading the blogs that I read and recognizing that this process is rarely short and sweet for people. But I'm still incredibly sad and Devon is too, but we will pick up and focus on next month. We have to.

What I didn't expect is how annoyingly persistent friends are in asking about the status of the pregnancy. That's one of the reasons this blog is so great, because most readers understand - and I have no problem whatsoever updating people on this medium. After yesterday, I wish I hadn't told a soul (outside of here) that we'd had our IUI. It's hard enough mourning the loss as a couple, but having to tell other people, who are pushy and ask flat out if I'm pregnant, is painful. My sister-in-law asked yesterday when I was over at her house and I lied and said "I don't know yet". She told me to take a damn test already and call her right away. I am realizing that although I appreciated the energy sent to me on the day of the IUI, I can't be answering the pregnancy question month after month. I know everyone's intentions are fantastic... I guess I'd just hoped for some privacy. I had no idea how hard it is, and I haven't even told anyone yet. I'm dreading it. I've learned my lesson, and will not be so open with the specific dates going forward.

My best friend has texted me every day this week asking for news.

And guess what I get to do tonight? Go to a dinner party at said best friend's house and listen to her announce to our group of friends that she's pregnant.

The only good part about this BFN is that I can drink to get through this evening. Plus, then people will figure it out on their own and I won't have to tell them.

Thank you for all of your support. As always, you rock.


Monday, September 12, 2011

Week 2 of this 2WW

So we're into week two. If I don't get the bad news naturally, the earliest we'll know for sure is Friday. The nurse said that with the trigger shot, my period might come in 10-12 days. I'm at the end of day 11 with no AF, so I'm hoping we'll be okay.

I've over-analyzed everything this week. I've believed I'm pregnant and then I believe I'm not. I've wanted to stay positive, but it's fucking exhausting. There was a palpable change last week around Thursday. I had felt "differently" since my IUI for a full week and then suddenly, "that feeling" went away completely. And I can't even describe "that feeling" except to say that I felt different. And then on Thursday, and since, I haven't felt much.

My boobs hurt and now, not so much. Cramping is completely gone, which was pretty consistent. Of course, I'm trying to get "that feeling" back and I'm having trouble. Last night I was on the toilet with a really upset stomach and was cursing myself for pigging out on fish & chips and then realized, "hey, this may not be the fish!!!" 

Devon has stayed solidly positive this entire time, which I love, but I've felt so guilty for not being able to stay in that mindset myself. She keeps asking me if anything is wrong and I tell her no, because I don't want her to know I'm doubting anything. It's not good; it's like I'm hiding something. So, I finally told her today what was going on, and she was fantastic. She just said, "you feel what you feel and I'll be positive for the both of us". Did I mention I love her?
 
At this point, I almost don't care, I just want to know. And I hate that that's truth. If my first 2WW is this excruciating, I hope to dear god that there aren't too many more of them.

I can still hope and still get excited when I suddenly got an intense craving for sour cream & onion chips, when I don't even really like them to begin with. When I almost puked last week, I was so incredibly happy. So, I'll try to hold onto that happiness and trust that it'll get me through.

How do you not get so incredibly scared about seeing red every time you pull down your underwear to pee?

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Week 1 of this 2WW (barely)

Who am I kidding? It's been a whopping 4 days, hardly halfway through a week, and I finally understand why the 2WW is excruciatingly difficult.

I had Thursday/Friday booked off work for vacation months ago, and though I wish now that I had actually had vacation days, I was really happy that I could do all of this stuff without worrying about getting back to my desk. I tested positive on the OPK Thursday morning and was due to go in for an ultrasound that morning anyhow, so it was good timing. Eggs were a good size, and uterine lining was thick, but they still wanted me to have a trigger shot to have a bit more control over the timing.

Long story kind-of short: On Thursday, I took the prescription for Ovidrel and put it in my back pocket and walked to the pharmacy 5 blocks away from the clinic. I got to the prescription counter and realized that the prescription was gone. I traced my steps up the street, picking up every white piece of trash looking for it. Called Devon all "No-I'm-okay, really... don't-worry-I'll-be-fine". Exactly halfway between the clinic and the pharmacy, the prescription was lying in a ditch on the road. Picked it up, gave it to the pharmacist, went to get my wallet from my purse and it wasn't there. Walk back to the car, finally found my wallet waaaay underneath the driver's seat. Went back to pharmacy, paid for meds, walked back to clinic and Devon was there waiting for me. She'd left work after hearing how scattered I was. Thank god.

On the morning of the IUI (Friday), I went for my first acupuncture treatment, which was really nice because the doctor left me alone for about 20 minutes with the needles in, so it allowed me to calm the fuck down, which I really really needed.

The IUI went well, I guess. Devon and I managed to make it "our" moment, which was actually my main concern. It's funny how superstitious one becomes. I picked out smiley face underwear to match the smiley face on the OPK. I wore a rose quartz around my neck that Devon got years ago and brought out for the occasion. We bought a really cute onesie the night before and brought it to the treatment (left it in the bag, but had it near). We had a joke that because the donor plays bass, we had to have a bass-heavy song for right afterwards. Turned out we used the Black-Eyed Peas song Boom Boom Pow (we're calling the potential fetus Boom Boom). 

I don't know why we did those things. We just felt better doing them, like it was an important occasion, which it was. I know it's all about biology and timing and has little to do with songs or semi-precious stones or underwear, but we both felt that we should do something. As silly as it sounds, it just made sense to us.

The IUI was uncomfortable, but over fast, though the nurse who did it was a talker, and I so wanted to shut her up, but felt rude. I know she was trying to distract me from the discomfort. Devon and I stayed in the room for about 20 minutes afterwards, and that was pretty special. 

It's interesting: although this is my first IUI, I feel as though I've been on this journey for a long time already. We decided to go ahead with trying for a child at the end of 2008. I've been weaning off several medications for over two years to ready my body for a baby. We've been to many many medical appointments with many many specialists that were mental health/reproductive health-related. It's been a long ride already, and I feel blessed that it is finally at a tangible level where something can actually happen. It may be another long road, but I'm thrilled that we've made it to this stage of the journey. I hope this stage is a quick one though.

I've been cramping since the IUI - kind of like period cramps. I'm not sure what that means. I'm remaining very optimistic - I have to. Except for a wee bit today: I had a minor panic moment today at work when I misplaced a very important file where the pit of my stomach just dropped and before I could get a hold of myself, started thinking that I was killing my fetus in that moment with the stress levels... gotta work on that. Yes, I know embryos/fetuses can withstand a lot, but if there is something in there, it probably hasn't even had a chance to figure out where it's going to burrow. Of course, the cramping went away for a few hours, and now it's back, which I'm taking as a good sign.

So yeah, excited and really wanting the 2 weeks to hurry up. Nurse says I may get my period 5 days early because of the shot, so if it's negative, I'll know early next week. Let's hope that's not the case.

Thank you so much for all of your support during this stage - it's wonderful!

Friday, September 2, 2011

First IUI this morning!

And that is all...

So excited. Feeling good. Egg is a good size. Trigger shot yesterday. It's go time!


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

U/S 2 on CD10

I had my second ultrasound this morning, and it went a lot better than Sunday's in the emotional department. The doc did take his time, on the most part, and was a lot easier to talk to. It could've just been the day on Sunday, though I'm still not convinced, but, as Strawberry said, there is a possibility that I won't even have a need for him after this insem, which would be awesome :) So I'm going to focus on that.

It looks like the insemination will take place either Thursday or Friday. I go in on Thursday morning for another u/s and if I test positive on my OPK tomorrow morning, and if I'm measuring large enough, we'll go ahead with it on Thursday. If not, it will most likely be Friday (CD13). He talked about the possibility of giving me a trigger shot on Thursday, which I know very little about. I mean, I know that it's LH and what it's for, but is it a needle in the stomach?


Monday, August 29, 2011

First clinic visit with an added surprise

I had my first ultrasound yesterday morning.

I woke up on Saturday, took an ovulation test on CD7 and it was positive. Positive on two different brands. No other signs though (fluid signs only; temps do not work on me). Devon and I both looked at the happy face and looked at each other and beamed with joy.

Fuck, it’s early – but yay! It’s soon!

I called the nurse and explained that I got 6 positives in a row last month and that I was incredibly early in my cycle this month. She had me come in the next morning (crack of frikkin’ dawn on a Sunday) and have an ultrasound.

I tested again that morning on CD8 and it was negative. I’m guessing it was a false positive on Saturday (99% accuracy, my ass), so I felt a bit silly going in, but we both decided that it was a good chance to talk to the doctor about what’s been going on with my ovulation.

We were 9th on the list when we got there about 10 minutes after the clinic opened. Well, actually 8, but I didn’t know we had to take a number when we got there, so when the woman who arrived after us took one and sat down, I clued in.

It’s so flippin’ busy there, and on the weekend, they have one nurse and one doctor (who happened to be our RE). When it was my turn, I had no idea what to expect, so when the nurse asked me to “change,” I responded “How?” Shorts and undies off, towel wrapped around your bum, walk down the hall.

Devon didn’t come in the room, even though I wanted her. We just didn’t know how it all worked. Not long after I got in the room, my RE came in and shoved a business card in my hand. I was so distracted by, oh, I don’t know, the ULTRASOUND, that I didn’t even look at it. I put it on the chair. He asked me if I had a bag. (I didn’t). He picked the card up and shoved it back in my hand and told me to hang onto it. When the nurse walked in, he changed the subject quickly. I didn’t think much of it, then.

He asked me when I surged and I told him the day and then told him – tried to tell him – about the previous month of 6 positive OPKs in a row.  He repeated the cycle days I told him about, incorrectly, and then replied, “it’s normal to test positive two days in a row”. Um, I know it is. But how about 6?

I recognize that they are busy, I really do. But as I said later to Devon, when you are dealing with a woman’s vagina AND her emotions… take your fucking time. Especially if this is their first time doing something like this.

“Put this in yourself,” he said, as he shoved me the wand. [Okay, please don’t laugh at me, but in all my readings, I didn’t even think about the possibility of it being an INTERNAL u/s. I know that sounds stupid, but hey – if they can see an embryo through a stomach, couldn’t they potentially see a follicle that way too? I know, I know].

So, I put it in. And, because I had no other signs of ovulation, let’s just say I was a little too dry for doing that aptly on a Sunday morning. Ouch. Especially when he cranked it from left to right with no warning. (Looks like it’ll be my right side, which has 14 follicles. Is that a decent number?)

I tried to ask what was going on with the testing, but all he wanted to tell me was that it’s not too late, and that I didn’t miss ovulation. I tried to explain to him that I was aware that this probably wasn’t my time, but I wanted to clear up some questions I had, but he was pretty much out the door before I could get answers.

So I’m left in the room with a soggy feeling and a business card, which I finally read. It’s for a new fertility clinic opening in the city. And my RE is the medical director. Then I realize he had said something about me seeing him in his new office next month, but shut up when the nurse came in. He was trying to make a business deal the whole time I had my pants off.

I walked back out to the waiting area and said to Dev (quite loud for someone who usually mumbles), “we’re done here; let’s go”. People looked at me funny and Devon was visibly confused, but I just wanted to get out of there.

For the whole day, I just felt shitty. Shitty that my ovulation is tricking every brand of OPKs we buy. Shitty that my RE is taking off and going out on his own. Shitty that this first insemination is starting off on a peculiar foot. Shitty that we initially clicked SO WELL with this guy, and we may have to go RE-shopping (if we even have the choice). It just made me realize how this is such a for-profit business. I get why, but it just doesn't seem right.

Devon has a way of calming me down, and she did. I feel better now, and I’m still excited for this baby-making process, but I just want someone to be gentle with me. It’s a bit emotional, people, and I’m an emotional person. Perhaps not really cut out for this, but I guess it comes with the territory.

I’m to go back tomorrow morning to see if I’m anywhere near ready (CD10). I tested negative again this morning, so it’s doubtful, but hey – I’d rather be early than late.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Sighs of Relief

I told my mum we were starting a family.

It took me months and about two targeted attempts, but I finally did it. My grandmother was in town from Britain and my brothers, their wives and all the grandkids headed to my parents in various forms two weekends in a row to visit with the grandmother. 

It's tough to get my parents on their own now, especially because they now live out of the city and it's a trek to get over there, and the chances of being alone with them are slim to none. I've also waited for it to come organically, and of course, it never would. There were some opportunities like when we told them we were thinking about going in on a house with friends of ours. I said it would be great for them to have someone to hand their kid over for 10 minutes when they go to the shop. She responded that it would be great for us too, for someone to look after our cats when we were gone. I wanted so badly to say, "Yeah, it'll be good when we have a baby too," but I kept choking up on my words.
I felt strongly about letting them know before we started trying. I feel as though if we'd just shown up pregnant, it would've been a big slap in the face, somehow. But at the same time, my best friend had a good point: "I didn't call up my mom to tell her I was going to start having unprotected sex". True, but for whatever reason, this felt different. 

In another post, I will perhaps go into the intricacies of my relationship with my mother, but not today. We have only become close in the last 6 years. And my "close," I mean I call her every few weeks and we can mostly enjoy our once-a-month-or-two visit. She's a difficult and complicated woman, who never showed her love until well after I was 25 years old, but she has changed, and somehow our relationship just works. Through everything, if I dig deep enough, I realize that she does adore me - she just doesn't know what to do with that emotion.

I'm closer with my dad, but didn't feel right about telling only him (my mother would have killed me). I wanted to tell them both at the same time, but the opportunity didn't come up. After a long visit, my mum had to drive me and Devon somewhere, and when I got in the car, I just knew that this was my only opportunity.

"Mum, I really want to tell you what's going on for Dev and me. We're about to start a family."

BREATHE.

Her response? "Well of course you are! How could you not? You're both so amazing with kids, and Lex - you've wanted to be a mum since you were two years old. That's all you cared about."
RELIEF.

I just smiled. And then she went on about how I'll have to move closer to her so that she can "take care of me". You need to understand that this comes from a woman who never really took care of me (other than the bare necessities), so it was a little overwhelming. 

It was interesting: she wasn't that interested in my mental health. All she wanted to know about was the donor - what does he look like? what is he good at? etc. I didn't expect her to focus on that, but all things considered, I was delightfully surprised with her reaction. 

I haven't had a chance to tell my dad yet, and though I imagine my mum said something, he's probably feeling a bit left out. But we have time, and now that the initial word is out, I imagine that will make room for many more words. My mum basically said she wouldn't inquire until we told her we were pregnant... which I think she probably said out of respect for us, but I actually do want to talk with her more about it.

Anyway, that's that. I feel so incredibly lighter and am continuously amazed with my family's support. We told my sister-in-laws (who I am way closer to than my actual brothers), who are both thrilled. It was funny, when I was having trouble with telling my mum, one of my sister-in-laws suggested we just let the kids tell her, so she had a little chat with her 6-year-old in front of us:

"Would it be great if Auntie Lex and Auntie Devon had a baby? Would you like another cousin?"
3 second look of confusion followed by a, "Yeah! I hope they have a boy so it evens out the boy and girl cousins. Hey... is that a hornet??" as she ran off into the garden, following the buzzing.

In pressing news, AF came yesterday. As soon as I saw it, I just couldn't get over the fact that this *could* be the last time I see it in many, many months. Hopefully!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

On Choosing a Donor

Thank you so much for your input and suggestions on the OPK issue. I'm going to try another brand - maybe two - for next cycle and see what happens. I'll talk with our RE about an ultrasound too. But how do I know when to go in for one? When I think I'm ovulating?

Okay, so choosing our donor was most probably the most surreal experience of this TTC journey so far. Devon and I have date night every Thursday, and we decided last week to use the night to take a serious look at cryo-dads and, at the very least, narrow down our list. [side note: I am so impressed with Devon - she is as much into all of this as I am now... she writes me with answers about TTC stuff that she's researched, baby name ideas, thoughts on sperm. She's excited. SHE'S EXCITED. Do you know how frikkin' awesome that feels? I'm so happy.]

We found out that our clinic deals with three banks only. I believe this is the case for all Canadian clinics. Health Canada (our FDA) has to approve all donor sperm to make sure that it is "Canadian compliant"... whatever that means. Along with the one Canadian bank, we had a choice of two American banks - Xytex and Fairfax. About half of the Xy donors are Canadian compliant and about 30% of the FF donors are too. We were not very impressed with the Canadian bank, so we dropped that one early (as some of you know from my other posts, there are slim pickings here). 

One of the nurses at the clinic told us that most people go with Xy, though she didn't say why. FF's website is impressive and fancy and off the bat, seemed the most user-friendly. Xy's website is decent - no bells or whistles, but easy to use. Before purchasing anything, we basically made a list of the top 10 on both sites and then tried to figure out how much money we would spend to find out more about them. Xy was very straightforward with fees and one (hefty) payment lets you view every aspect of every profile. With FF, the fees were info and donor dependent, and what looked like a lot less money would've ended up being way more expensive than Xy for the same information. We also liked that the majority of Xy donors had adult photos, which was not the case with FF. I won't go into it more than that, but if anyone wants to ask questions about the experience so far, feel free to email me (contact me page).

Anyway, just as the donor pictures were loading for our top two donors, we looked at each other and said, "oh my god, they're going to be so ugly". And then one of our top choices came up and we again looked at each other and said (and I quote), "he's fucking hot!" And then our top three choices loaded, and they were all really, really good-looking guys. We were actually very surprised. I know, I know, it's a photo - and probably the best one that they can muster up - but it's all a shallow lesbian couple can go by ;)

We were looking for a few things: Devon's colouring and her interests/personality. The only thing I was pretty adamant about was for him to have a squeaky clean mental health history on all sides. We were really happy with our search and after sitting with our top choices for a few days (and obsessively revisiting them), we decided on our guy.



It just feels right. He feels right... as messed up as that sounds. This whole thing has been so surreal to us - we are shopping online for our future baby's father. So weird. We looked him up on siblingregistry, and there are four offspring listed (we've yet to decide whether connecting with half siblings is something we'd ever do).  I did a search for the donor number, just to see if there was anything else posted about him, and one Xy web page came up saying that there was no samples left, but I think it was cached. We tried not to get too attached to him - and we tried to feel confident in our second and third choices - but it's hard once you make the decision. 

Although this ovulation thing is worrying me, we decided to at least have the option to start next cycle. I imagine we will. So, we called the Canadian "pimp daddy" (we can't order directly from the bank for legal reasons), who add about $100 onto each unit. Despite a few regulatory things, we were actually surprised at how easy the whole process of ordering was. We bought three to start (a recommendation from the clinic). They are being shipped on August 17th and will be good and ready for us to do our first insemination in the last week of August. 


Devon is so excited and wants to have a party when cryodad's goods arrive in the city. With the way I've been feeling, I almost agreed with her... but... we have still only told two people, and I think it'll stay that way until three-four months after a BFP.


I'm not even scratching the surface of all of the emotions surrounding this process, but for tonight, I just wanted to get the words out of my body. My heart will deal with the rest another day. 


Happy.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Ovulation Woes...

Okay, so there is a TON to catch up on including:
  • We “passed” our psych eval (w00t!)
  • We chose a donor (holy shit!)
  • We ordered sperm today (whhaaaat?)
I’m thrilled and I will write all about it when I have a chance. Lately, all my spare time has been taken up looking for donors… I think that’s a pretty good excuse ;)

There’s something going on that I wanted to do a call out to see whether anyone had experienced this: When I was at the clinic (CD10), I bought an OvuQuick OPK from reception. I decided to test starting on CD11, even though my cycle is 27 days, so it was a bit early. 

First test = positive. Very clearly positive on CD11 (Picture #1). 

Now here’s the thing… I’ve tested every single day since then – 6 days – and all tests have come back clearly positive, including today’s (see pic #2) on CD16.

I can’t find an explanation anywhere. I’ve heard of woman who test positive for 3 days max, but never double that. I called the nurse this morning, and she just said, “that’s weird… that’s not normal”. I tried to make it clear that I’ve been taking these tests according to the clinic’s (and the manufacturer’s) instructions and am not a dumb ass. She says I could come in for an ultrasound to figure out when I ovulate, but I kind of want to know a ballpark. BBT are not consistent because I am never asleep for more than 3 hours straight (I pee often). Cervical fluid/position is inconclusive day-to-day. 

I don’t want to waste a grand next month with a shot in the dark (literally?), and I feel as though I’m even more confused about my cycle now :(

Any advice? Anyone ever had a super long LH surge? 

I want to figure this out so that we can get going next month!!

T=test
R=reference

Pic #1 (CD11)













  


Pic #2 (CD16)




Sunday, July 31, 2011

What's This, You Ask?


It's a book. But it's not just any book. It's the book that Devon brought home last night and gave to me, along with a highlighter to start choosing baby names. It's the book that made me look up at her and almost cry, because I finally feel as though we're doing this together.

P.S. An entire chapter is dedicated to names famous hockey players... in true Canadian form. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Another happy moment ruined

My best friend told me last night that she's pregnant after 4 months of trying. She's only 5 weeks into it, and with the exception of her mom and sister, I'm the only one who knows. It's such a weird feeling being simultaneously so thrilled for her and so sad for me. It feels awful not to feel 100% happy about such an amazing milestone. Obviously with her, I was ecstatic, and showed no sign of the hurt that I was feeling.

She told me to hurry up and have a baby so that we could have mat leave together (it's a year in Canada). I smiled and said that would be amazing... which it would be... but it's hard not to think about how small a chance there is for that scenario. If Devon and I are lucky enough to start trying at the end of August and lucky enough to get pregnant on the first try, then yes – it’s doable, and I want to go into this with positivity. Maybe I just have to work on that.

It's not a nice feeling to feel so sad after a joyous announcement, and it's a bit of an eye opener that there is going to be a lot more of this type of thing. I can imagine it just gets harder when you are actually going through the TTC process. 

But hey – at least I got her extra ovulation strips that she doesn’t have a need for anymore.


Saturday, July 23, 2011

Happy Anniversary

It's Devon and my 4th wedding anniversary. We got engaged after two years of being together and had a long, two-year engagement. Before we were eventually together, I wanted to be together, but I thought it would never happen. I'm so glad I was wrong. 

She makes me so happy and I feel so lucky to have her. She really has stayed with me through sickness and hard times. There was a time where perhaps she should have walked away, and didn't. We almost lost each other, but we fought through. I will never do anything again that will jeopardize our relationship. She deserves to be treated like a queen, and I intend on doing that.

Whenever I feel scared or sad, I just have to close my eyes and picture what that feeling was like on our wedding day, when I was staring into her eyes... that feeling that everything will be okay. And everything will be okay; I now trust that.

Happy Anniversary Dev ~ I trust that we will celebrate so many more.


Friday, July 22, 2011

One Hundred

Is it ironic that I'm publishing my 100th blog post and my news today is that we have our psych evaluation at the clinic booked?

I think so.

Can a counselor who has one hour to decipher whether we are fit to be parents really all that helpful? I know some of you have had the psych evals at your respective clinics, so if anyone has any "head's up" info, that would be great.

Both Devon and I am pretty good about being open but knowing when to draw the line. I think as long as we're honest about my past and show that this is a different time and a different place (and that I am a very different person), we should be okay. That said, I've been reading a blog where the two women went in for a psych eval and were essentially turned away because the bio mom had mental health issues as a teenager. Seriously? It broke my heart. They are now working happily with another clinic, but the whole experience would have been awful. Part of me is petrified that it will happen to us.

I guess I understand the need for a professional counselor at a place where babies are (hopefully) being introduced into the world, but part of me thinks that if you end up at clinic, you've definitely thought things through. I don't know anyone who would want to spend a crapload of money on a kid they don't want. Then again, there's the case of the Octomom. Huh. Okay, I guess it's important.

After the psych eval, we see a nurse to go over the logistics of how we get the sperm to the clinic, etc. and any other pertinent information.

And then? Then we start!

It's crazy to think that I only have ONE more cycle before this thing goes full tilt - finally! In all honesty, I haven't been looking forward to my 100th post, because when I started writing this blog, I assumed that I'd be posting a picture of my baby - or at the very least a positive pregnancy test - for my 100th post. We decided to have this baby in 2009. It may take two years or more to get pregnant. It feels sometimes that this process has already taken so long, with all the med changes, family uncertainties, home stuff, relationship stuff... I hope so much for the actual TTC to be quick and speedy, but I know enough that I can't count on it.

At least when it finally does get here, the baby will know how very wanted s/he is.

Appointment at the top of August. Wish us luck.